Warren Chapman’s Life as a Publican

A Publican is a Diplomat, a Democrat, an Autocrat, an Acrobat and Doormat. He

must have the facility to entertain Prime Ministers, Princes of Industry,

Pickpockets, Gamblers, Bookmakers, Pirates, Philanthropists, Popsies and

Prudes. He must be on both sides of the “Political Fence” and be able to jump

that fence.

 

He should be, or have been a Footballer, Golfer, Bowler, Tennis Player,

Cricketer, Dart Player, a Sailor, Pigeon Fancier, Motor Racer and a Linguist

as well as have a good knowledge of any other sport involving Dice, Cards, Horse

Racing and Billiards. This is the most useful, as he has to settle arguments

and squabbles. He must be a qualified Boxer, Wrestler, Weight Lifter, Sprinter

and Peacemaker.

 

He must always look immaculate, when drinking with the Ladies and Gentlemen

mentioned in the first paragraph, as well as bankers, Swankers, Theatricals,

Commercial Travellers and Company Representatives even though he has just

made peace between any of the Two, Four, Six or more of the aforementioned

Patrons.

 

To be successful Warren must keep the Pub full, the House full, the Storeroom

full, the Wine-cellar full, the Customers full and not get full himself. He must

have staff who are Clean, Honest, Quick workers, Quick thinkers, non-Drinkers,

Mathematicians, Technicians and at all times to be on the Boss’ side, the

Customers side and stay the Outside of the Bar.

 

TO SUM UP: Warren must be Outside, Inside, Offside, Glorified, Sanctified,

Crucified, Stupefied, Cross-eyed and if he’s not the Strong Silent Type there’s

always Suicide!!!